"How style dies a slow and lonely death" or "15 simple rules to look good!"

Tired of receiving shocked stares and pointed fingers? People have asked you whether you got dressed in the dark or wondered if you own a mirror?? You dress on Halloween and Carnival like on any other given day???

If you follow these simple rules, your life will change dramatically. You will look and feel good. You will receive compliments. And you will singlehandedly reduce the suicide rate among style advisors and fashion ikons.

1) Even though your dress / suit (the following applies for both, jacket and pants) has pockets, those are part of the design. Not to put anything in it! That includes newspapers, big wallets, keychains that are so huge that you might be mistaken as a janitor, change that jingles around with every step you take, and certainly not your lunchbox. Why? Because it looks like you are about to go on a camping trip with the boy scouts and stuffed everything that humanity could possibly need in those pockets. Remember, you are neither MacGyver nor John McClane, and you don't need to save the world!

2) Pants and belts should be sold in pairs. They cannot go without one another. They are like Bonnie and Clyde. They are like peanut butter and jelly. They are like Tequila and lime. Even if your pants fit perfectly by themselves, they will be lonely without a belt.

3) Adding to No.2, the color of the belt should match the color of your shoes. Wait, not "should" ... the belt HAS TO match the shoes! (Unless you have a fashion statement to make, which requires more advanced skill and is, therefore, covered in the next series "Dress to Impress - The Return of Fashion".)

4) Michael Jackson wore black pants, which were way too short, and underneath he always sported white socks. He also frequently grabbed his crotch and screamed "ouuuuwww" while doing so. None of the previous you wanna do in public. White socks are reserved for the tennis courts and your Sunday-afternoon-sofa attire, and are definitely not to be combined with your suit at work.

5) Sneakers are way more comfy than dressy leather shoes, all of us know that. And yes, they would go lovely with your white tennis socks. But then you gotta remember, you are going to work, not to see your best buddy, sit on the couch, and sip some beers while watching football. (Same goes for dresses and skirts, btw!)

6) Stripes and dots are the opposite of pants and belts. They should never be seen in the same outfit. Unless you are the clown of a circus and try to entertain the crowd during recess with riding a unicycle and funny tricks.

7) You might find the Donald Duck tie your kid gave you last year Christmas funny. But it is also responsible for all known cases of eye cancer. So for public securities' sake, keep that tie locked up. Or wear it only on special occasions like Halloween and Carnival, when people don't take you serious anyway.

8) Ladies, 1-inch fingernails are not sexy. Yes, you heard right NOT sexy. And a mixture of bright neon colors, sparkling gems, or leopard pattern doesn't change that. In fact, men are scared of fake nails that could cause an array of injuries, including a bloody scratched back.

9) If you usually buy size L, don't even try to fit into that XS top. Not even if the assistant in the fitting room assures that it looks as if it was tailored just for you. She works on a commission, babe. She would sell her grandmother if she could!!

10) If you buy new shoes take off all the tags. Also the ones underneath the shoes. It drives the people walking behind you crazy! Oh and while we are at it, if you buy a new coat that is sewn together in the bottom back - that is for store purposes, so the coat doesn't wrinkle. At home you are supposed to cut that open, otherwise the coat will hang weird around your ass.

11) Gym is not the place to get dressed up for. Dressed yes, but make-up is really not necessary at 7 in the morning if you are planning to work out properly. Unless you use your membership in the gym as a substitute for a membership with match.com; in that case, may Eros, Aphrodite, and Cupid be with you!

12) UGGs are winter boots. Their fashion appeal is debatable. Their purpose is clear though - keep your footsies warm when it is cold outside. That should tell you something about their usefulness in summer. Zero! Especially not in combination with shorts! And especially not to wear in a dance club!! Unless you go out in Hoboken...

13) A shirt has to fit in several areas: collar, sleeves, shoulder, and length. The collar of a shirt should be snug around your neck when you close the top button. Not choke you, but also not so wide that you can take the shirt off without opening any buttons. The sleeves should come down to your wrists, but not hide your whole hand. The seam at the shoulder should actually be at your shoulder, not halfway down your triceps. And last but not least, you need to be able to stick the shirt into your pants. If the shirt comes out as soon as you lift your arms in a larger angle than 45 degrees, well then the shirt is not long enough.

14) If your feet hurt after five steps in those shoes, most likely it will not look graceful if you keep wearing them all day. Just sayin.

15) Gentlemen, if you need to carry a couple items around with you and follow rule No.1 then you might face the problem HOW. Be advised, a plastic bag is not the solution!! Go into a department store or mens' outfitter, and most likely you will find a nice laptop bag, leather shoulder bag, man purse, or whatever floats your boat, that will be sufficient to carry your shit around in. And you will see, soon you will not want to go anywhere without it!

Thank you for your cooperation on behalf of all living and, especially, seeing people around you. Or you could also say "Heal the World, Make it a Better Place, For You and for Me, And the Entire Human Race" ... ouuuuwww!!!